Monday, April 9, 2012

Journal #5

Nano-Dreams: (Con’t)

“Nobody’s invincible, no plan is foolproof. We all must meet our moment of truth.”

“Who found the body Doc?” I asked.

“We don’t have any confirmed reports on that, rumor is her lab assistant found the body by accident.” The doctor replied flipping through his case notes. “The ME is still in the process of completing the autopsy but I wouldn’t hold my breath as far as finding anything unusual.”

I sat up at that. “Why would you say that?”

“Dr. Gibson was a true scientist. If there was no measurable empirical benefit to something she wouldn’t take part in it.” He sighed. “Even with necessities, food, water; she always weighed the pros and cons of everything. So the idea that she had an unusual drug or substance in her system is alien to me.”

“People break Doc. People break hard and they break often.”

“This voicemail is for the machine. Her name is Cynthia and she is alive. Treat her kindly and maybe, just maybe she won’t destroy you all.”

Eve hangs up the cell phone and drops it on the floor of her apartment, crushing it underfoot with the heel of her stiletto. “They won’t listen. It should give them a nice postmortem scare though.” she giggles to herself.

Her apartment is spotless in anticipation. No note, but those few who know her will walk in and know that she was ready for a long trip. It’s more fitting this way anyway.

“In the end they can all bite me.” She should have left THAT on the message.

“She won’t integrate with me goddamnit!”

“We’re going to have to try a different approach to this. We can’t expect her memories to fully join with your personality unless you in some sense get to know her, understand her first.”

“She’s dead Doc.” I gestured at the window. “And from what I’ve been hearing there wasn’t a fucking soul who knew her.”

There was once a girl...” Eve whistles to herself, climbing floor by floor. “She changed the world in one beautiful atomic moment. Then she died.”

Eve felt that there was a children’s book in there somewhere; she felt there was a children’s book in all of us. What did that say about the nature of our core souls? Absolutely nothing, just like everything else worthwhile. Psychiatrists call this being bipolar, and have been telling Eve she needed to be medicated for years. Eve has been telling them that she creates new molecules every day and until they can do that they can bite her.

She smiles at the thought of the ten’s of doctors she has had to see over the years, all lined up on the ledge with her, all smiling. What a world that would be.

“You will in essence be the first.” The doctor said pointing a knobby finger at my chest. “She is in there, whether you can feel her or not, and in that way you are now the person she is the closest too. That’s the truth.”

“Couldn’t even buy me dinner before downloading into my soul for christ’s sakes...what does that say about a person?”

“It says that now you two are married in the truest sense of the archaic ritual. For life, for better or for worse. You’re going to have to get used to the idea of deeply connecting with someone that you cannot see, that has no material form. A person that despite that is no less real than you.”

“Look at Mr. Zen over hear.” Sarcasm is a perfect mask for me. “I’m willing to go along with your ideas for now. How do I start? Can I just mentally shout her name and magically her soul will be there?”

“I doubt it, but it might. There are no answers here.” He chuckled. “For the duration we’re not going to be operating on a conventional doctor-patient relationship. It would be better if you simply thought of us as explorers. Explorers with global consequences.”

The ledge feels wonderful under her toes. She can feel every piece of matter shifting and colliding with each other. There are no more beginnings and no more ends, only constant change.

Eve wonders if she is enlightened. She has no ego, she is aware of the connections between every atom in the universe, she is content. But she feels pride somewhere in her being. Pride for her creation, her baby. She rejects her enlightenment in favor of this feeling. It’ll be her last.

“Take a deep breath son. We’re going to have to begin again until we get this right.”

“I’m breathing Doc! I just don’t feel anything of her.”

“Close your eyes. Let yourself go, feel your conscious mind relax inch by inch. Listen to the sound of your synapses firing thousands of times per second. Eve is there in the gaps.”

My breath became slower, my heart steadier, and then I saw her. She was beautiful and it hurt.

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